a LITTLE muddled
i thought i would post something ...then i realised im too sleepy to be able to write ...but then again i decided i would write this atleast...so there this is a post to say im too sleepy to post

AMAR KI HOBE ???

It’s a cruel cruel summer ….

Its such a weird time elation hope and a culmination of the years of education coexist with utter despair and depression and a sense of helplessness..ekta onko korte parle mone hochhe bah besh jani ar kono jaigai atka lei mone hochhe kichui jani na ……ajke ekta bishon baje poirkha diye elam ….keno k jane jana jinish ta bhul kore elam….eto keno lack of confidence hochhe ami thik bujhte parhic na….actaully boddo behsi onno loker kotha shunchi …nijer porata ijer moto korte hobe …sheta na kore k ki korlo r parlo eta niye beshi bhabchi….thsi is areally bad time to lose confidence…erokom o noye j ami shob somoy porhcondo confident thaki but ekta inherent confidence shob somoy I thake….but ekhon problem ta hochhe my question papers r staring at me and saying it loud n clear NO CONFIDENCE….this hastnt happened b4 …..this has also had an effect on my concentration….the inability to concentrate even when I have a problem to solve is fast becoming my biggest problem…the inability to give my full attention and focus my self totally on the problem at hand ………….bad sad things to happen at this stage …but cant let them play on my mind….i wil do it the way I have always been able to do it….always b4 this I have given my best performance on the day of the exam however bad my performances may have been in all the mock tests b4…this time tooo I willl live upto my expectations…I will conquer…….i must

INCOHERENT
Uncertainty is preying on my nerves.im sick and tired of worrying, sick and tired of expecting something to happen any minute forr the last 2 and a half months.its like being on edge forever like not being able to sleep because i will have to get up the next minute and yet i didn t have to get up ,i could have slept on...but now when im tired when my nerves are frayed and im so tnese that im jumping at the slightest noise now when i need to sleep when i need to calm down the call has come , i cannot sleep i must not fall asleep at any cost and yet i cannot keep my eyes open...my eyes my back my whole body is aching with the effort and yet i have to go on...but staying awake is consuming all my energy, im unable to accomplish anything else yet i cannot go to sleep i must lie awkae... it is time to asnwer the call......

the previous post sounds a little incredible even to me ...and i knwo anyone who knows me will vouch for the fact that im not silent at alll...but as always probably havent been able to say it well enough ..am tempted to remove it ...but what the heck let it be...

Silence like a cancer grows...
I have so much to say ...and yet I don’t know how to do it...I have been told time and again that it helps to write down your thoughts ...they become clearer more concrete and therefore easier to deal with...I wish it was true ...I wish I could write so that the exercise would aid my thought process...but I either have a very severe case of writers block (and have had it since I wrote the first essay ) or I have no clarity of thought which makes it difficult for me to actually have a well defined opinion and then write it down...I have been told that it becomes easier as u practice...like everything else practice makes one perfect....well the practice of keeping silent certainly hones that ability...silence has taken such a stranglehold of me that I can barely get a chirp out even when I wish to......so I have decided that I cannot allow this I cannot allow my voice to be stifled.....I will write if only in the hope that someday what I write will be worth reading if only by me alone....mane at least what I write will make some sense...will succeed in expressing at least a bit of what I want to say.....waiting ...

It faded….

Its late afternoon and weak but bright sunlight filters thru the trees--- big , leafy and a deep fresh green ….…..a light cool breeze ruffles the pages of my book……..slight undulations, hardly waves, gently disturb the surface of the lake……..and I sit in class listening to a man w/o teeth trying ---yes that is the word---trying to teach us the mysteries of microprocessors….
How can the mind fail to wander……..it was just the kind of weather for long slow walks on deserted roads..with maybe a friend or two…….or that special someone…..
And my dumb college got over at 5 when the sun was just setting and although “the setting suns red glow” was lovely to behold……yet the magic of the quiet afternoon had faded giving way to the chaos of evening, of buses bursting at the seams full of people returning home………godhuli logno…… why should I be forced to attend classes in such lovely weather???

FINALLY!!!!

my net connnection is back on track ...........after 2 hrs of concentrated effort by 3 men from the bsnl broadband office..and yours truly.......before leaving they told us that ours was a truly well stocked house far as phone connections were concerned..........from extra telephone sets to jacks n cords we had every spare part available......this inspite of the fact that i still dont hav a proper screw driver ( yes i use the wrong end of spoons...) but really bsnl workers should be provided w/ a tool box ..i mean cmon i know an ibm thinkpad comes in handy ( i know!! they had one)..but the good old screw driver still has its uses...........
nyways net is back yay!!!!

Planning to run the marathon.....

Well not really but the amount of walking i have done over the last 2 days sure qualifies as good practice .......
on Tuesday walked from sealdah to rabindra sadan.......via college street ..chandni……barista opposite shree ram arcade….and oxford…….w/ a few wrong turnings near college street thrown in for good measure…………..
again yday walked from beliaghata main road to pnb bus stop via phoolbagan kankurgachhi ultadanga ……n then from pnb walked back to ultadanga again……
as a rather bemused friend asked “haven’t u people heard of BUSES ? “
yes my dear we have we certainly have………..just need to remember to use them next time around…….

friend n I talking

it all started when I was waiting for my car w/ a friend and suddenly a guy from college greeted us n went by……my knowledgable friend took a look at his watch and said “well well he has dropped his girl friend at her station n is now finally going home …”*smirk smirk*
this got me thinking….yes yes I know im better off not doing it….but kya kare the old gray cells need some exercise..
love is in the air……people around me are having the first real love affair of their lives having graduated from crushes on celebrities and pasher barir meye/chhele to dating THE person in college…
These newly formed couples who have already pledged the rest of their lives to each other are always together….from the start of college to the end (and sometimes way beyond it)….then they go back home and start callling /smsing or chatting w/ each other….
Now the question that troubles me is ..isnt there something called tooo much of a good thing????Has anyone heard of the adage..absence makes the heart grow fonder…. I mean yes I understand that they enjoy each other’s company and love to spend time together but cmon all the time ???

moreover these are our last few years as students…..the last few years before professional rivalry rears its ugly head and makes anything other than a healthy professional relationship a bit of an impossibility. yet here are these people who make no friends in college or having made them at the beginning promptly proceed to ignore them and loose their support and friendship by virtue of being totally immersed in each other. but what happens if they break up??? Their whole world centers around each other ………..what happens when this world collapses????
Can just one person however great fulfill all the emotional requirements of a person?? this kind of total dependance on one person usually gives rise to great expectations of the person which he or she will not always be able to live upto.
But my friend has another point of view ……he says why not, if they enjoy each other’s company if they are confident that they can be all in all to each other then what is the harm in spending time together ….in fact his aim is to spend as much time together as possible while life is still tension free( more or less)………kya jaaane kal yeh samay mile na mile……
i wonder….….

just coffee!!!!!

what in the world is wrong w/ my luck and w/ ccd????
A few days back I went in for a cup of coffee ……piping hot creamy coffee……after a long n tiring day …...n im informed that there is no hot coffee available…..…the machine has broken down!!!!
then again ,the day after, after being ditched by a frnd ( who fell while crossing the road n has been advised 5 days of bed rest) I went into a nearby ccd to drink a cup of cooling coffee n curse my friend n was told sorry madam the place is closed…reason: our ac machine isnt working
im just asking for coffee here….

Sania is it??

Oh no Agassi has lost another game !!
Go clijsters ..win this one atleast
Well sania was bound to lose to sharapova…after all the girl can hardly serve
Man navratilova can still PLAY
And last but not the least
Yay!! Mahesh bhupati n daniela hantuchova have won the mixed doubles …..
For the past few days my house has been resounding with such expressions shrieked at the top of the voice …..at the top of my sisters voice …bcoz in true bangali style she gets completely immersed in the game she loves and never mind if the rest of the people in the house are having mini heart attacks……..
Not only my sister who has been irrationaly excitable for as long as I remmeber about sports but also plenty of other people have started staying up nights to catch the action…..
Was this level of enthusiasm present for tennis before this us open? Is it being generated by sania ‘s presence at the courts ? when leander paes won the bronze at the olympics it generated a certain amount of enthusiasm and so did the doubles wins of the paes bhupati pair.but the sudden interest (hype?) caused by sanias presence is unprecedented….
Of course its true that no other indian woman has ever reached the quarter finals of any grand slam singles. And that too a muslim woman in short skirts..
The question is are people interested in the game or just in sania herself .
Will they watch the matches once sania decides to quit???

Irritated…frustrated….at my wits end

Arghghhhhhhhhhhhh………
I want to scream …just bcoz I was sent to the hospital n just bcoz I had hi fever doesn’t mean I cant get well…………everyone I know from my parents to my welll meaning but annoying friends are all convinced that im still sick as a horse and should therefore spend ,whatever time is not taken up in goin to the loo and having my meals, in bed…..i have been at home or hospitalised for 17 days now n I HATE it……my parents (both working) are staying home for the express purpose of making sure that I take enough rest…im frustrated…………I need help I need to go out and not be traeted as if im going to swoon the next instant………………n god I need good food ……something which can be eaten n not just shedddo bhaat n vegetables……………….oh for some fuchka……..im drooling like a dog so have to stop typing..

Im back (hopefully…)

I was very ill since the 9th of august……and hospitalised from the 14th to the 20th and even before that I had been ignoring the blog completely ..but I have decided to return to it…..primarily because I think someone very kindly told me that those people who don’t blog but only read other’ people’s blogs and leave comments are called “blogwhores”…….since I have no fancy for that title and anyways I like blogging I have decided to restart ……… Hopefully I wont panic and leave again……..

Come telll me ur dreams………

That’s what my blog seems to be saying to me……almost mocking me………bcoz truth to say im not dreaming…im doing just nothing.. it is an unenviable state of blankness……I just sit and stare at the comp screen all day and blog hop or chat endlessly ……………..does the computer screen swallow up dreams ………does it swallow up a part of me??????? Im scared…. …..

Summertime rolls…….

End of holidays are near and suddenly im faced with the prospect of returning to college fulltime…….well what that really means is it will a be break from the world of books and music and blogs and books (for good measure:-)) that I had immersed myself into this summer….i started blogging this summer and the result is for u unfortunates to behold, two more friends and my sister have also started blogging (though admitedlly one of them has to be held at gunpoint to actually post something) …… read up a lot of books .harry potter was released…..so it has been a prettty literary month…..…..well what can I say ,the fact that I will have to return to labs and lab reports and college from 9 20 to 4 30 is not inviting….no dont get me wrong I don’t hate what I do …infact asked the question I wil definitely have to say I made a good job of selecting my career………I like the subject ..and am as good at it as I will ever be in any subject(which is pretty bad really..) its not as if im any great shakes at literature or anything (yes stop grinning I know thats pretty evident)…….but the fact remains .i love it…and though I love my work I have to admit there is a big difference between the arts and science……….somehow there is something more intense more personal and very bohemian about literature………….while science well science is more disciplined somehow ….although technically we do “experiments“ in science ,its much more controlled.. regulated……..it is something which invites awe and a desire to conquer (in the brave…..)….but lacks the touch of humanity………the beat of life that pulsates through literature………and yes bohemianism is inviting …..
But the reality is college reopens on the 27th and its back to the grindstone ……well au revoir bohemianism ,literature and while im at it laziness……….n here I come c, c++ ,dbms n what have u…chin up shoulders sqaured ready to face the world(and the new rowdy first yrs……..first yrs are such kids……)….ciao

Emoting online without emoticons.................


Happy===yay!

sad===(offline)

jeering/winning==muhahahah!!

birokti/annoyance/impatience===ufffff

expressing sympathy==awww poor baby!

expressing fake sympathy===iiisssshhhh

hesitation===emmm.../ermm..../ummm....

satisfaction/boredom/i told u so====hmmm

craziness/crass stupidity === writing meaningless posts like this 1...

really am i this limited emotionally??????? y cant i think of any other emotions ???????????

wrong timing!!!

its 3 :30 am and i am fully awake although i have nothing to do.......and yet why do i find it so difficult to stay awake during exams ..when i reallly really need to......when the prospect of failling is soo real....when most people cant sleep try as they might..........why is my sense of timing so topsy turvy?????

Kya yaar!!!
everyone is writing really funny posts on being tagged.....well not me....(yes u r very clever......i tried and couldnt make it funny) i dont like being told to think about a lot of things which i really wanna do but cant,,and nyways the whole thing is gr8 to read but not so good when i hav to do it..SO im going to make this post as dry and boring and factual as possible.. and thereby prevent further tagging...>:)

three names i go by:
1. doel
2. paro
3. motu

three screen names:
none really ..all are variations of my names….

three things i like about myself:
1. ability to laugh at myself...............its actualy a survival strategy ;-)
2. detachment and nonchalance………….not always intentional
3. ability to listen and comprehend…(wonder whether people will actually agree to that 1 …….only when things are very well explained of course;-))


three things I don’t like about myself:
o this is easy …..and im taking the liberty of doubling the required number
1. detachment and nonchalance
2.laziness ….lack of initiative
3.ability to be completely immersed in my own world w/o knowing what the hell is happening around me (for those who care its different from the detachment n nonchalance mentioned earlier)
4. capability of invariably saying the wrong thing at the wrong time( y god y???)
5. indecision
6. absolute absence of proper time management

three things that scare me:
1.puking ….absolutely petrified of it
2 . the prospect of never meeting that 1 man (umm ..was that supposed to be private???)
3. suffocation ………..physical n emotional


three essentials:
1.great books
2. acceptance
3.great friends

three things I like in the opposite sex:
1. respect for others and self
2.wit / sense of humour and mischief(ideally w/ a sparkle in his eye )
3. sincerity and honesty
( if it seems as if u have read it all b4 im sorry but this is the truth)

three things I want to do badly:
1.sing and hold people captive(yup goopi bagha flashback)
2 nah cant say
3. read all the books I meant to read

three careers I am considering right now:
1.bekar/housewife (husband has to be rich plz very rich)
2.software engineer/research scholar……(duh!!as if I have a choice!!)
3.management guru (and yes guru IS the word im loooking for and na I always had a very high opinion of myself)

three places i want to go on vacation:

1.lakshwadeep….
2. lonely mountanious region (with my sweetheart in tow ofcourse…wonder if lava qualifies???)
3.an extensive Europe tour(yup that ones been on my list for a long long time)

three kids name I like:
1. choco
2. ushnish..(cmon yaar my kids are gonna grow up tooo)
3. bhutto (umm.. I’d rather not elaborate on that 1)

three things to do before dying:
plz im dying already.....seriously ar parchina bhabte about such inane things

DILEMMA........

what shud i do.........2moro harry potter book six is releasing..........n i wanna read it...but is it worth it????? 900 bucks.........someone sponsor !!!
to buy or not to buy that is the question....:-(.....

EXCITED!!!!
goin to buy hp 6 2moro.........................

help!!!

laziness......its swllowing me whole............

Nostalgia n the president

Its been raining all night n thru the day…………but today ( y’day technically..) I braved the rains to go to an old school friend’s place. Saw a lot of photographs of our school life after a long time ……………and it all came back anew….. the laughter and the tears…….the fun and the fights ……………the grand successes and the even grander goof ups…………….the pats on the back and the scolding…….i don’t really have the best memory in town in fact it can be safely said I have a pathetic memory…….and yet I can recall school life so vividly……..as an inter…..rushing madly out of the classroom in the mornings after the first bell to make it to the hall before the second bell…….as a senior still rushing out madly but grumbling hard …….as a head girl making sure everyone else rushes out and makes it on time( ;-) had to put that in) ……..as an inter listening to the assembly with awe and struggling to sing the hymns the words of which I still dint know…..as a senior listening to the assembly in a bored sort of way…….n making no effort to sing the songs………….as a head girl listening attentively…….n singing all songs (albeit in a tuneless way) n specially the school song earnestly………wistfully………knowing this might just be the last time I sing that particular song………………….

Ok I will stop ………..i know this reminiscent strain can be pretty boring to read ……….specially if u haven’t ever worn the grey skirt and walked down the gravel path……….n sung
“To east and west of that fair isle ,
Where the first loreto stands …….”
Ok this is finally it ….i have shaken off the sudden attack of nostalgia..
Suffice it to say had fun …………..and would love to meet up with all my classmates and find out what each of them is up to…..

While returning from her house met with the president ……………….na not in person …………..he was paying the city a visit………and just when we reached science city his convoy decided to cross …………….so was stuck in the traffic or rather road block for about half an hour. i really hate making way for all these politicians …………..no I don’t mean the president ………Dr Kalam I respect n have no problems with really, but when the same respect has to be shown (rather we are forced to show ) to every ordinary minister it is really bugging. Who the hell do they think they are that everyone will want to kill them? Bloated egos n gross misuse of tax payer’s money.

Sadness

It is there. Not a vibrating lively manifestation but a quiet strong presence. Stifling and suffocating with its weight…..the desire, the very ability to talk to walk to live…a feeling which cannot be articulated and yet …….struggling to break free……in tears which will not flow. a brooding silent presence deep inside the heart….. ………silent tears till sleep overtakes……waking up .........to a resonant silence within ….and a cacophony without……..

Another Experience………………but quite different from the first one………

Im a member of the British Council Kolkata……..and a very enthusiastic reader though not, truth to say, very widely read……..So when the british council decided to start a reading group I jumped at the idea of having a forum to discuss books, books n only books………..But I had to miss the first meeting because at the time I had exams……and well for anyone with my habits of “regular” study doing anything unrelated to the syllabus the day b4 the exam means ummm.. disaster the next day……..not that I did avert the disaster but well at least I tried….anyways getting back to the reading group …….. the idea is basically to select a book which everyone has read/wants to read and then discuss it to our hearts content…….well as long as time permits is more accurate actually……
I attended my first meeting y’day n the book to be discussed was the third man by graham greene……Of course majority of the people present had studied or were studying English…….so being an engineering student I was a bit out of my league………indeed I had decided that I would hold my tongue and keep my views to myself ……….but the first thing that the moderator from british council said was that they would be very interested to hear our point of view………..the view point of students from an essentially science background…….instantly my resolution went down the drain and we were plunged straight into an absorbing discussion on the merits , demerits and characters in the book………it was really interesting to note how very differently any random group of say five people will interpret the same book………in fact not only are the explanations given different but quite often entirely opposite…….it actually gives a kind of insight into the reasons for the oh-so-frequent misunderstandings in our lives………but as has been said variety adds spice to life ……so our discussion was enlivened by the various often contradictory interpretations …………but it was a fulfilling experience n sort of a confidence building one as well…..a discussion among fellow bookworms about a good book what can be better……….looking forward to the NEXT ONE…………….

An experience
Day before yesterday had this really bad/funny experience……I was returning home about 8 in the evening by the metro…….i land (na I know it isn’t the right word …but what the hell!!!) at sovabazar metro station n make my way thru the crowd to the exit…………….it is like any other metro station with a narrow entrance n lots of steps leading down to it…………n just outside there is a liquor shop…..well I landed n half way up the steps im suddenly stuck…there is a huge crowd of sweating bodies which just aint moving……….after some really perplexed moments it transpired that it was raining outside…….n the gr8 people of Kolkata born n brought with the monsoon cant even think of getting WET………..nyways some people at the back decided they wouldn’t really mind getting wet …….so these idiots started pushing as hard as they could……. now im getting even more pressed against a lot of smelly people……………….n there r no females about except for a pair of marwari girls…….. all the ladies are standing at the side waiting for the rain to let up!!……………now I don’t really have this option of waiting patiently bcoz …
1> I have to get home
2> I don’t mind the rain
3> Im not a very patient person….
the end result is im pushed to the door by this impatient mob……..now at the landing I discover a lot of the drunks have decided to shelter there…….. these people----taking our desire to move out into the rain as a personal insult---- r shouting stuff like “ajke **** mone hoye sobai r anek tara ache…”….(“it seems as if every1 is in a big hurry today”) “ki didi ektu boshe gele hoye na”….(“y don’t u wait a while sister?”)….”sala shob ***** gulo ki ekhuni morte jachhish?”.. (“r the whole lot of u going to die today itself ?”)
By this time my eyes r like saucers……………….all this while the force from the back is crushing me against the people in front n pushing me forward as well..... I find im being cleanly ejected out of the place……….. to top it al I was wearing high heels therefore slipped on the mud…….. n without any warning im falling n my feet have lost contact with firm ground……..so I instantly grab the marwari girl’s neck…..im hanging onto her n my legs r flailing wildly……….of course the girl is screaming bloody murder….……..but I couldn’t for the life of me let go…….. i know having a 60 kg millstone around her neck couldn’t have been easy…but at that point I was simply desperate and past such petty considerations…………around this time an exsasperated man whom I have managed to kick takes matters into his own hands n gives me a helping hand………….So finally I manage to find my feet amid a lot of screaming n kicking………..n BOY did firm old ground feel good or what……...whew!!!

sound of silence.....


Hello darkness, my old friend,I've come to talk with you again,Because a vision softly creeping,Left its seeds while i was sleeping,And the vision that was planted in my brainStill remainsWithin the sound of silence.
In restless dreams i walked aloneNarrow streets of cobblestone,'neath the halo of a street lamp,I turned my collar to the cold and dampWhen my eyes were stabbed by the flash ofA neon lightThat split the nightAnd touched the sound of silence.
And in the naked light i sawTen thousand people, maybe more.People talking without speaking,People hearing without listening,People writing songs that voices never shareAnd no one dearedDisturb the sound of silence.
"fools" said i,"you do not knowSilence like a cancer grows.Hear my words that i might teach you,Take my arms that i might reach you."But my words like silent raindrops fell,And echoedIn the wells of silence
And the people bowed and prayedTo the neon god they made.And the sign flashed out its warning,In the words that it was forming.And the signs said, the words of the prophetsAre written on the subway wallsAnd tenement halls.And whisper'd in the sounds of silence.
simon and garfunkel